Letters and deep thoughts - Like a living monster Print
Written by Anne   
From The United States of America.


Thank you for writing back. I suppose that I am looking for insight into my own behavior and of how being raised by my mother who is mentally ill.
I am 38 years old. Recently I have begun to try to know my mother better. Her current diagnosis is Schizo affective disorder, bipolar type. About 6 years ago the mental health clinic assigned my mother a different doctor. He began to give her medication for depression, along with large doses of vitamin E. The Vitamin E was to help get rid of facial twitches which was the beginning of tarded disconetia brought on by years of taking stellazine. I could see a dramatic improvement in her immediately. About 2 months ago she got on a diet where she has almost stopped eating sugar and carbohydrates, both of which are know to cause depression. She is like a different person and I am grateful. I can actually communicate with my mother.

I never knew my mother. Growing up with her was like living with a monster. My mother and father divorced when I was seven and I lived with my mother until I was 17 years old. I have always felt that something was not right about myself, but it wasn't' until this year, when I started searching on the internet that I began to realize that what I have always felt may be directly related to being raised by a mentally ill parent. I have sought help by going to a therapist, but I feel like that only made me feel worse, so I stopped going. The therapist kept wanting me to dredge up horrible memories from childhood. Honestly all the therapy did was make me feel like I am more screwed up than I ever thought. I got so focused on what is wrong that it began to make me very depressed. I want to feel better, not worse.

Mostly I am interested in how being brought up by my mother has effected me in my relationships, especially with men. I would like to get married and have a family, but it seems like something is not right. I seem to be able to meet people but I also seem to go from one strange relationship to another with no break in between. Sometimes these relationships last for years, but I won't commit to marriage. I feel so isolated. I want to have other friends, but for some reason I stay alone a lot. I am a freelance artist, so I only see clients when I do see other people. I think that I am a likable person. People call me and want to be my friend, but for some reason I seem to push them away, or I get really attached to one person and something screwed up happens. I have begun to think that the way I act isn't really the way I want to act, but more of some kind of behavior that was drilled into my head as a kid growing up with a mentally ill parent. I just want to know if what I am thinking has any validation or if I am imagining things. If growing up with a mentally ill parent is effecting me as an adult and keeping me from getting on with my life, what can be done about it? I feel very insecure about decisions I make in my life, so insecure that most of the time I seem to make no decisions at all, but let other people make them for me. I just want to feel normal. I want to know that I'm ok. I want to be happy!

Sincerely, Anne.