It never really occurred to me that as a child I had to try to read my mothers emotions and was always trying to second guess about what she said really meant. You were exactly right when you talked about that in your email, that is what I had to do. I do believe that it served to create this distrust that I have in other people, as well it helped to create feelings of insecurity. I feel like I have to be calm and not get upset anyone around one, even if I have to sacrifice my feeling to do so. I have fears of upsetting other people, and at all cost I can't let other people get upset by something that I have done. Everyone else's happiest is more important than mine. It is easy to see why I spend so much time alone, with trying to please everyone it takes all my energy for my own self, instinctively it is just easier to stay alone.

The other horrid thing is that that to an extent I am attracted to people who may act to me as my mother did when I was a child. I don't want to be around emotionally unstable people, but those are the ones that I end up closest associated. I see that by realizing that I do this with my life, I can better make changes to break away from this unhealthy behavior, and stop allowing the crazy people that I tend to surround myself with, make my decisions about my life. If people aren't pleased with what I do, that is their problem. I can't try to second guess everyone in the world and their intentions or reactions.

Any more insight from you would be greatly appreciated. Just knowing that these feelings of fear doesn't mean I'm crazy and that they were developed by being raised by a mentally ill parent is a great help.

You asked about using my letter on the site. Feel free to use it if you think that it could possibly help anyone else. I would rather you not use my real name. You can use any name that you would like.

I have been reading a book and listening to it on tape that has been very helpful for me personally. It is entitled, The Artist Way. It was written to help people break free from what the author, Julia Cameron, calls blocks. I have found it to be very helpful therapeutically as well as creatively.

Yours sincerely,
Anne